"But cancer is bad!" my daughter said as tears spilled down her cheeks. I had just told her that the doctor told me I have a bump on my neck and the bump is called cancer. I vacillated between using the actual word cancer and just calling it a bump with no name. I finally decided that if she heard the word cancer from someone other than me, it would devastate her that I was not honest with her. She would probably be more scared because she would think I hid the word for a reason.
I tried and tried to explain to her that just because something is labeled cancer, all cancers are different and it does not necessarily mean anything awful. She said she understood, but still was very upset. Every conversation we had after that first awful one was peppered with questions about what would happen. I was torn between wanting to be honest and wanting to protect her innocence. Cancer is scary, even for me. Even when a person tries to detach herself from the disease and pretend it is not happening to her.
I am the most healthy unhealthy person my doctors have ever met. I run somewhere around 40 miles a week, swim about 3 miles a week and even though during triathlons I always do the best at the bike portion, I rarely practice biking without my kids so I don't go far. I have completed Olympic distance triathlons, eat very healthy, take great care of myself and still it did not protect me from cancer. There is absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent this cancer, and yet I still feel horribly guilty for inflicting it on my family.
For months, I had an unexplained fever. The fever wasn't horrible most days, just around 100. Some days it would spike up to 103 or a little higher, but for the most part I could pretend it wasn't happening. I could pretend I was just fighting off whatever illnesses the kids brought home from school. I felt a little tired but since I have four kids, I could easily explain it away. Of course I was tired, I run around chasing my kids all day!
After I told my best friend about the fever, she insisted I go to the doctor. I would have ignored her, in fact I tried to ignore her and whatever was wrong with me. She is a great friend, so she kept hounding me demanding to know why I hadn't seen a doctor yet. I had great excuses and used them until I couldn't deny something was very wrong with me. Over Easter (my birthday too!) I was so sick my fever went up to 105. I couldn't stand up straight without being so dizzy I felt like I was going to faint. I was crawling around trying to take care of my kids. I finally called my husband to come home from work and take me to the doctor. The doctor said I was so dehydrated he wanted to admit me to the hospital. I said I couldn't do that because I have 4 kids to take care of. The doctor decided if I wasn't going to be admitted to the hospital for dehydration, he was going to force me to sit in the examining room and drink an entire 2 liter of sprite. I did and felt a little better (yes, if you treat dehydration, you actually do start to feel better).
The doctor sent me to get some blood work and chest x-rays. It was determined that I had pneumonia. I took my prescription antibiotics, felt a little better, but the fever was still there when I was done with the drugs. More antibiotics were prescribed. I finished them and surprise surprise! The fever persisted. The doctor sent me for more tests. Finally, months after I had gone to the doctor in the first place, it was determined that I had a nodule on my thyroid. I was totally oblivious to what was going to happen. I had absolutely no idea that a nodule on your thyroid could be cancer. I'm not sure what I thought it could be, but cancer didn't really cross my mind. Clearly I could never have cancer. Cancer is for grown ups and I am hardly a grown up!
More to follow....the title will make sense when I am done. To read the next entry go here. Also, if you have never heard of thyroid cancer (I never had until I was diagnosed) you can go here and read about it and maybe make a donation if you feel like it. If you make a donation, let me know and maybe I will send you something.
You can also go here and get a badge to show that you support cancer research. When I see it on your website it will make me warm and fuzzy inside.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Forever and always...and even some more
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12 comments:
Your story (and you) sound almost exactly like my sister-in-law. She has 4 kids and was ignoring everything-she was too busy being a mom. She eventually had her thyroid removed.
When my wife went out to help her with her kids for a week, she later told me now I know why she overlooked her symptoms. The kids take up 99% of her energy.
Yes, please tell the rest of the story. It's so sad, what you had to go through, how sick you had to get, but I want to find out what the post title means.
Hey - here for you when you're ready to finish your story (and when you're not quite ready yet either.)
Take care!
Moms are so busy taking care of everyone else that we neglect taking care of ourselves.
I'm already teary after reading this...I'm waiting for the rest.
Girl, I now understand your blog title. My brother had his thyroid out last year and back to 'normal'.
I look forward to reading the rest of your story!
You have quite the story. My hope for you and your family is for complete healing.
A few posts ago you wrote about how people react when you say the word "cancer." I think that for anyone who has experienced it close-up or firsthand, the more you say it, the less scary it becomes. It's like befriending the enemy. I'm glad you chose to share your story and I look forward to more.
This - and your follow up - were hard and wonderful to read. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Really.
Good luck and God bless with your treatment.
I never thought this would be me. Never thought that they, the Dr.s would ever figure it out. I was just diag. 11/1/08 and just this week finished my RAI. I still horrible. The side effects are just the tip of the ice berg. My TSH was near 100 so who knows how long it will take to get to a "normal" range. I hope all is well with you... Thanks for the info
Well I am facing RAI this week,and really want some input from the seasoned peeps out there, does it make you feel sick? Flat out, how did you feel, and if not so hot, how long did it last for?
I have had three surgeries over the last 11 years for my thyroid cancer, but this is my first radiation. I am optimistic that they will get the rest of the little stinking cancer cells out of me, but would love you to tell me abou the RAI. My dose is going to be 150. I am kind of a lightweight towards medicine and petite.
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