Stop Being So Dramatic

Things can change really fast, and it seems the things I worry about are not the things that ever happen to me. The things I don't worry about at all seem to be the ones that get me.

When I had cancer 2 years ago, at the scan after my radiation they saw "a little something" in my chest. They didn't know what it was or exactly where it was, so I was sent to the nicest (and totally hot) cardiologist who said my heart was totally healthy but maybe I should have a chest CT to see if they could see whatever the "little something" was that they saw on the other scan. I had the chest CT, and they did indeed see a "little something" in my lungs. We have been following it every 3 months since then and nothing has ever changed. Normally when I go for the CT appointment, I feel a little nervous before it and then after it is over I wait until the exact day they tell me the results will be ready and call my doctor immediately because I am anxious to know the results.

This time when I went, I felt calm and free. I had the scan, came home and totally forgot about it. I didn't write it on my calendar to call the doctor to find out about it, I just totally put it out of my mind. I had the scan the day before the kids last day of school before winter break so we had tons to do. I was feeling sort of tired, in fact I kept trying to run on the treadmill each day and feeling so exhausted that I couldn't continue. I was walking instead of running, and it was taking me hours to complete the number of miles I wanted to do. I don't give up easily, so I kept pushing myself and getting more and more frustrated with myself.

This is one example of why it is way easy, although probably frustrating to be married to me. I blame everything on myself. No matter what it is. I can't run today? I must be slacking. Never mind that I have this awful cough that I am ignoring/haven't really noticed and am so tired I can barely wake myself up in the morning. It isn't in my nature to question what is. No matter what is going on, I just accept that this is the reality of the day and move on never questioning why something is not going well, or why I am having difficulty with something. My 7 year old daughter is the same way. In her I can see why sometimes a person should question reality and see how they can make it better, but in myself I just seem to accept whatever is going on and work around it. It does not occur to me that things could be different or easier. I just accept whatever situation there is and adapt. It is good in some instances, but terrible for recognizing that you are sick.

I had the scan on Wednesday night. Thursday night I was going to a cookie exchange. I spent all day Thursday making cookies, which normally I love to do, but this time felt sort of like a chore. I convinced myself that the reason it felt like such a chore is because I had to make the cookies and we all know how I feel about things I have to do, right? If you don't remember, when I feel like I should or have to do anything, I hate it. If you told me I had to eat a piece of cake, as much as I love cake, I would hate every minute of being forced to eat it. Thursday night when it was time to go to the exchange at my friends house, something I would normally love to do, I sat at the kitchen table complaining to my husband that I was just so tired and wanted to go to bed. I even took my temperature to see if I was sick. I had no fever, so I wasn't sick. Despite having an awful cough that prompted me to joke about how I have pneumonia. I went to the cookie exchange and had a good time in spite of the fact that I felt like I wanted to lie down on my friend's kitchen table and fall asleep and none of the cookies looked appetizing at all to me. In fact, at that very moment I couldn't understand why anyone would want to eat anything because I was just so exhausted that eating would have used too much energy.

Saturday morning after the kids came home from religion class, I looked at the cookies we had at our house. None of them looked like "Christmas" to me, so I asked the kids to make a list with me of what cookies we wanted in order for it to seem like Christmas. They named candy cane cookies, gingerbread men (but I use a Swedish spice cookie recipe and not gingerbread since I am not crazy about gingerbread flavor), kolachkys, peanut butter cookies and oatmeal butterscotch cookies. My husband gave me two of my Christmas presents early because they were baking type presents. (Mixing bowls (but pink, not red), and a hand mixer (also pink); one of these was Oprah's favorite thing that I mentioned a few days ago. Then I gave him Guitar Hero early because he had to go back to work right after Christmas and I figured it would be better to give it to him early so he would have more time to play it.

I sent my husband to the store to choose the kolachky fillings that he wanted since he is very particular that it be his grandma's exact recipe and the fillings she always used (she taught me to make them before she died as long as I promised not to share the recipe with anyone). While he was gone, I cranked up the Christmas music and the kids and I started dancing around and making cookies.

After we finished mixing two kinds of cookies, the phone rang. I answered it (if you know me in real life, you might find it shocking that I answered my phone because I am notorious for not answering it). It was my doctor. It was 3:30 pm on Saturday!!!! He was calling about the results of my chest CT. He sounded worried, which then made me worried. When I asked him if everything was ok with the CT, he asked if I maybe had a cold or a cough. When I thought about it, I realized that I do have a cough. He asked how long I have had it. I told him about 2 weeks. He audibly sighed with relief and told me I most likely have pneumonia. I guess if I hadn't had a cough for so long, what they saw on the CT could have meant something bad from the stuff we are following up with, but since I have a cough, it is most likely "just" pneumonia. He seemed surprised I wasn't sicker, but remembered all the stuff I have been through and how I don't really do "sick" like a normal person does. A week after my hysterectomy I was back walking on the treadmill, after my thyroid surgery I came home from the hospital and made myself homemade macaroni and cheese because it was the only food that sounded yummy and easy to swallow when my neck hurt so bad.

Essentially my chest CT was useless this time. I need to go for a chest x-ray a month after I finish my antibiotics, and then another CT in 6 months to be sure that it was just pneumonia and not something bad with the cancer.

I haven't even told many people in my real life that I have pneumonia. I think someone who has had cancer might understand this, but someone who hasn't might not. People talk to you so differently once you have had cancer. There is this voice some people use like you are some sort of delicate thing that needs to be spoken to in quiet voices. There are tons of conversations people are having that abruptly stop when you walk in the room. You know that is because they were talking about you. And while I do think I just had pneumonia, since everyone knows that there is something in my chest that could or could not be cancer, I know if I said anything, people might worry. I am worried.

Until now, this thing in my chest has just been a little nuisance. Something that makes me drive to the CT place and talk to the nice people there for about a minute while they do the scan. Just a little thing I have to take care of every 3 months or every 6 months. Now that something has potentially changed, it is scary. Scary and real to me again.

I had just started becoming secure that everything was going to be ok, and that we were done with major stuff. I had just started trying to figure out what I am going to do once my youngest son goes to school not next year but the year after that. I was considering teaching kindergarten again because I really loved that age. I need to go to school again because I haven't worked outside of my house in over 10 years. I was starting to look into whether or not I can do the things I would need to do online, so I could start now and be ready to actually go to work when he goes to school. The thing is, I don't want to waste my time. I am great at sucking it up and doing hard things when I need to. Going to school would be hard...not the school part, but balancing that with being a mom to 4 kids and still being able to help at their school, etc would be hard. I could do it, but if this cancer thing is going to come back or demand my attention again, I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to waste my time working really hard for something I might not be here to actually do.

I know no one has a guarantee on how long they will live, but most people also don't have things going on that make them take such a close look at whether or not things may be worth it to suffer through. I am not looking at this in a sad way at all, which probably doesn't make sense unless you have been where I am. I have all these plans for the future, and I need to be sure that the hard part is worth it to me now. So, for now I am back in the part where I put my life on hold a little bit and just enjoy each day. Once I feel secure again that I will be here for a while, then I might start making plans again but for now I am once again just going to be.

Cancer is such a nasty disease that wreaks havoc on every single part of your world. Obviously for my kids sake, I don't share my worries with them. I am honest about what is going on, but not in a way that might scare them unnecessarily. For right now, my doctor said he is 90% sure I just have pneumonia, so that is what I told my kids. I have pneumonia and I am on medicine to make it better. In my head though, I wonder what if? Since I can't really talk about this stuff to people in my real life because I just can't stand those pity looks, here it all is. All the thoughts in my head that don't need sympathy, don't need pity, I just need to say them but can't say them to real people...even though I realize you are all real people. My logic is faulty, but I just can't look at people who look at me with pity, and just don't want to hear the way people talk when they know you are sick.

I just want to be me again. Not the sick person who might die. Everyone might die. I know this, and I believe in my heart that I am fine with whenever that happens. I have no guarantees, I still believe everything I wrote about here. And yet, it is still scary and sort of a shock when you believe a scan will be clear and it isn't.

But for now, I'll be rocking out on guitar hero, trying to beat my kids at dance dance revolution and having my daughter's 10 year old New Year's Eve birthday sleepover party. All just regular life stuff because for now I am going to believe that I just have pneumonia. Even though I have this yucky feeling that it might be something worse. When I think things like that, I then scream at myself to stop being so dramatic. Stop taking myself so seriously and lighten up. Because it is probably just pneumonia, and why worry about anything else until it happens, right?

In other news, if you have aol and have been trying to email me, I am not getting those emails for some reason. I found this out when I emailed my best friend about my pneumonia and a few days later she sent me an email from her other account with a recipe for rum balls. I called her and yelled at her (not really, but teased her about not saying anything about my pneumonia and then sending me a recipe) and she read me the email she sent me back from her aol account the day I sent her the pneumonia email. She tested it several times and I never got any of the aol emails. SO my point is that I am not getting those emails, so if you have something you need to tell me, email me from somewhere else or leave a comment here for me. I am not ignoring you on purpose, I am just not getting your emails!


UPDATE (because 911doc asked and I would do anything for him even though I don't know his real name or anything at all about him...not that it bugs me or anything): I am still coughing. My doctor called to check on me and when I told him I am feeling totally fine but still coughing, he said the antibiotics still work for a few days after I am done with them, but if I am not done coughing by the end of next week I need to call him. I don't know what the plan would be at that point, and I don't care right now. I am having a great time getting the basement all set up for my daughter's tenth birthday/New Year's Eve party. Almost everyone who was invited is coming which is both good and bad. We invited EVERYONE she wanted since I figured a lot of people would be out of town. No one seems to be out of town. She is excited and I am excited. My husband has plans to stay upstairs with the boys during the party while I hang out with the girls (if they don't kick me out!)

As for guitar hero, I am having a hard time because every time I cough, I get all lost in where I was on the song and crowd boos me off the stage. I unlocked the second set of songs, but haven't been able to beat any of them yet. My husband beat the devil but has a hard time with it sometimes because he plays a real guitar and the differences mess him up a little. The girls (ages almost 10 and 7) are doing great at it, I think they are both tied with me right now but it takes them more practices to beat the songs than it does me, and my sons (ages 7 and almost 4) could not care less about the game. They enjoy watching us play but really have no desire to try themselves. The boys have been having fun playing with their legos and building the gigantic lego castle I bought for them for Christmas. Then they take these huge dinosaurs we have and have battles. My almost 4 year old then stops everyone and talks about how dinosaurs of course did not live at the same time as people did and that they are just furtending (pretending). He cracks me up even when he doesn't mean to because he takes everything so seriously and is just so intelligent.

We had a huge snowstorm yesterday and on the way home from the gym (should I still be swimming with the cough, or should I be taking a break??? I'll have to ask my doctor I guess) a huge truck full of tanks of something tipped over right in front of me. Everyone was ok, the guy scurried around picking the tanks up and there was a lot of commotion. I stayed home the rest of the day cleaning up the mountains of toys my kids received from relatives.

I am going to make some cookies and watch Ratatouille in a minute. We bought it at Disney World and haven't watched it yet. The kids are not even home right now but I am going to watch it because I have waited long enough! Have a great New Years everyone! Feel free to email me (radioactivegirltoriATgmailDOTcom) but I probably won't be back until next year (that joke never seems to get old to me!)