A little later today I am going for my chest CT. My doctor may not be my doctor for much longer. It terrifies me the way he closed his practice to start a new one. I dug around online and found that he is opening a concierge style practice. If you don't know what that is, click here to read about it. There are several reasons I think I may need to switch and only one of them has to do with the increased cost to me because of his new practice. I actually have no idea what his cost is or whether he works with insurance at all in his new practice because I haven't gotten the packet of info yet. For the practice that began on June 1st. An entire week ago. Interesting.
I would say the main reason I am considering switching is because of how terrified I was when I heard the first message that the practice closed and the way I felt about him doing this without notifying patients or even explaining when his nurse returned my call last week. It's one thing to give patients some notice that things will change and give them time and information so they can sort it out and figure out their plan, but to just close and reopen without letting anyone know? Not cool with me. I just feel so abandoned.
If I choose not to remain with him, how will I get my medication refills? Obviously I will need to immediately make an appointment with someone else and catch that doctor up on my medical history. I just did this with this doctor! I hate this part, the finding a doctor I trust part. I feel so scared about it because I rely so heavily on my doctors. I think a lot of the reason I don't freak out about my health is because I know there is someone I trust and like looking out for me. If I switch, it will take some time to build up that trust. I'm not sure if I can request that my file be sent to me but I sure don't want it sent directly to some new doctor I have never even met yet. I am guessing it may take a few tries before I feel completely comfortable with a new doctor and I don't want to pay for transferring my records more than once! Hopefully it will be fine for me to have them send them to me and then I can bring them in with me.
What I was planning to write about today was my hair and how it has been slowly falling out since the beginning of the thyroid cancer. After the first surgery and radioactive iodine, clumps of hair would fall out when I brushed it. It has been gross and straw like since then. I can work with it and make it look presentable, but lately it has been looking thinner and thinner again. I bought some fake hair clip in extensions on a whim and it actually looks good. This is what I have come to...34 years old and needing fake hair.
Here is the short hair I got. Sorry the picture is so blurry. You can't tell which hair is real and which is fake. I couldn't believe it!
And this is the long hair. I was amazed with how real it looks and how you can not tell which hair is mine and which is the fake hair. The thing that kills me is that my hair used to look like this for real. I used to be able to air dry my hair and have it look like this.
The thing is, most of the time I feel like I can deal with whatever illness comes my way (which is good because I sure have been hit hard lately) but it's the little things that really bug me. Little things that I would have said didn't even matter to me before all this happened. My hair? Small potatoes...until it falls out and I feel all self conscious and like people are looking at me like I don't know how to take care of myself. I realize that is my own perception and judgements that I am believing other people are making about me but I still can't help but feel judged when I can't make my hair look like I have brushed or washed it even though I have worked for an hour to try.
I work my butt off to keep myself healthy and there are only a few things I can't change/make better by myself. There is absolutely no way I can make my boobs bigger without surgery. There is also absolutely no way I can make my hair not fall out and be crunchy feeling. And of course those are the things that bug me. I was going to post a picture of what I look like if I just wash my hair and let it air dry, something I used to do every single day and not think twice about. I don't have enough courage for that right now. Everything goes together so when my doctor leaves/changes the practice and I am uncertain about what will happen with that, I sort of feel uncertain and scared about everything. Sometimes I feel strong like I can take on anything. Now is not that time.
15 comments:
I totally understand where you are coming from. My hair is falling out from PCOS (despite treatment) in a male pattern baldness way so I have a big thin spot right at the front where people can see it. Thus my hair is ALWAYS styled to hide it but photos from above show the reality of my situation. Hair is so closely related to being feminine, you just dont realise it until something drastic changes with it. I think the new hair looks absolutely stunning, no one would ever know it wasnt yours.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it is incredibly disrespectful for a doctor to make such drastic changes like that with very little notice. At a minimum, it's not fair to his patients and worse, it borders on unethical. I had never heard of this whole concierge medicine phenomenon (though, according to Wikipedia, there are only 146 practices across the country - still small beans), but it definitely shows how messed up our health system is here in the States.
My heart goes out to you, hon. And, btw, when I saw you last, I thought you looked beautiful. And I'm not even sure that was a dress-up day. =)
There are plenty of people far younger than you who need hair extensions and don't have cancer as an excuse. You know how Britney Spears had all that gorgeous hair pre head shaving? Fake. Every bit of it. So don't you worry about losing your hair. If the extensions help, use the crap out of them and punch anybody who says differently!
It's a good thing that we don't have to be super heroes every second, isn't it? Try to relax and just enjoy being able to be vulnerable. It's kind of nice, if you can get past the discomfort.
Your hair in the photos looks beautiful. I'd never guess you were using extensions (well, maybe if you went from short hair to long hair overnight! ;)
Here's a story for you. Sometime last year you wrote that you bring cookies to your doctor's office receptionists, your kids' bus drivers, and so on. I bring cookies to work occasionally, but I'd never thought to give cookies to strangers, so to speak. So I tried it. I made snickerdoodles for work, and carefully wrapped up a few and gave them to my bus driver. She was delighted. The bus routes and drivers change all the time, so I never saw her again, but it was a fun moment. Flash forward a year to last Friday. I just moved to a new house in another town, and am taking my new bus route for the first time. The bus driver asks me, "Did you used to take the 7? I remember you. You brought me cookies!" I was blown away. A whole year later and she still remembers! We chatted for a while about changing houses and bus routes and the economy and so on. It was like a friend dropped out of the sky, and all because of something you mentioned offhand a year ago on your blog. Amazing. Thanks, Tori.
-Holly
Even though you don't feel strong right now, you are. You always are. It's inside of you. But even the best fighters need back up, people to lean on, others to shoulder the burden. I hope we and the other people who care about you can help in some way. Even just by listening.
I'd switch doctors too because that whole situation would leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Big hug.
Heather-I am so sorry you are dealing with this too. It is so interesting to me because if someone had asked me before, I would have said my hair didn't matter at all to me. I guess you don't know what you have until it is gone.
The fake hair is hot though. I'm not sure it will work for summer...plus at the pool and stuff it wouldn't work. I see a lot of pony tails in my future for the summer and then in the winter I will try out my new hair more.
SoMi's Nilsa-thank you! I remember that I put my hair in two tiny pig tails because it looked weird/thin/scraggly down. I am glad you didn't notice why I did that. I definitely don't think it is noticeable to others as I feel like it is but it still bugs me.
I think my dotor will keep me until I find someone else, at least so far he has and I haven't even gotten the packet of info in order to decide yet. Maybe it will be a slow change over so I can find someone else if I want to without rushing.
tara-thank you for telling me that. I always think everyone else is perfect. I always think everyone else has it all figured out and wouldn't possibly need to fake the hair. I know that isn't true, because why would they make it if no one needed it, right? But thank you!
Holly-that is the best story! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I really needed to hear it today!
Sizzle-thank you! I think it helps me just to write it all out. I wouldn't necesarily tell people in my real life (although I have met or will soon meet a bunch of people here now) because I always feel like they wouldn't understand or something. I mean I do try and talk about it with certain friends but I think it is often hard for them to relate or it makes them feel funny so they move the subject along. It's nice that here I can just write as much as I want without worrying about how someone else mght feel reading it. I figure if it makes someone uncomfortable,they can move on and I'd never have to know. Somehow it feels safer because of that. And it feels safer because of the amazing friends I have met here. Thank you so much!
I can't imagine how hard the dr. situation must be for you. On one hand, the doctor's behavior in this transition is terrible! On the other, finding a doc you like/trust is soooo hard. When I talk to people who don't have a PCP it shocks me. And then I get so jealous that they don't have to think about their health every freakin' month. :(
The extensions look great, but phooey on anyone who would judge you on your hair. Certainly none of us bloggy-buddies would!
i think it's perfectly cool for you to rant on about the small stuff ... especially when you've got so much big stuff you are dealing with SO MUCH BETTER than probably 90% of the population would. you're strong when you need to be and take care of the important things, and then you vent about hair (which i would have never guessed was a problem for ya) or crappy inter-personal failings of your docs... the stuff most of the blogosphere can relate to and sympathize with.
it may not qualify as "unethical" but that is DAMN unprofessional to have a patient find out about a major change in your practice via a returned message. he should have sent out a letter to 1) warn you about the change, 2) tell you about details, like how much longer he can still "be" your doctor, 3) offer up an option for referrals, etc.
well, be advised, at least one doc will be learning from your experiences. :-) hope you're feeling better!
Well, not that I have a lot of experience with extensions and the like, but that looks pretty amazing!
Awesome Hair!!!
Aw sweetie, I just want to give you a super big hug.
It almost seems easier to fight through everything on the inside even though it shouldn't be. However, when we are face to face with reminders (on the outside) every day, it sucks.
I love your hair extensions though. Very very pretty. :)
That is really strange about your doctor...I'd be upset if my doctor handled that the same way.
Your weave is pretty, though. Don't feel bad about using them to make yourself feel better. We all need little boosts from time to time when we feel down. And you seriously can't tell! In fact, when I was looking at the pictures before I read the post, I kept thinking to myself (wow! her hair has grown A LOT since I was last here!)
Having never had thick hair, all I can say is WHERE can i Buy those?!!?
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through :( Doctors are such an important part of anyone's life, let alone yours, and to have to find a new one is terrifying. Good luck with it, if you decided to look for one...
The hair extentions look awesome! I know it's not the same as your own hair, but at least you have found something that looks great!
Tori,
You and I are the only AWESOME fix-it Moms I know who change their own toilet flappers!! (-: I'm so very sorry you've had so many health disasters. Truly.
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