Periscope Surgery

We have a forest behind our house so quite often we see deer in our backyard. I have never seen one in our front yard before! It actually freaked me out because I was walking up the stairs with a laundry basket and peeked out the window as I passed by. From a distance, it looked like the deer was a person staring in our windows. I kept walking then stopped as soon as I realized what I thought I saw, turned around and went back with my heart pounding. As I walked closer to the window, I saw that it was just a dog in our front yard. A dog that was standing very still for a long time. A dog that was huge. Because it was a deer. I ran to get the camera but by the time I got back, the deer had moved farther away from the front door and I couldn't get a picture of it staring in our window.

I called my doctor's office yesterday in the morning because no one ever called me back about my biopsy results last week. The receptionist put me right through to him which gave me a moment of panic. My doctor always introduces himself with his first name. Doctors are not supposed to have first names. He told me the biopsy results were all fine. We talked about how we are working backwards and excluding all the serious things but at this point he isn't sure how to proceed. He asked me if I could get a copy of my hysterectomy operative notes and my ovary removal operative notes. He told me he was so sorry to make me do it but with HIPAA he can't just call over and get it anymore. We talked about how difficult it is for even me to access my own records and that at one doctor's office I have to fax in a form and then it takes 6-8 weeks to get whatever I am requesting. Crazy!

Luckily, since I had cancer and I see a million different doctors who seem not to communicate with each other at all, I always get copies of everything I think they might ever need to see so I have them in these kind of cases. I have a huge file of my medical information so I just pulled it out and faxed it over to him. He is going to look it all over and come up with a plan and call me back later this week.

I thought we were positive I was having surgery but now he is saying he isn't sure. I think he is trying to figure out any other option for me because I have had so much surgery recently. I still can't really see any other option, but then again I am not a doctor. The last time we talked, he did say he was going to have to do the laparoscopy and then remove my cervix in order to get the leftover uterine tissue, so I am still thinking that will be what ends up happening but at least now I have a tiny bit of hope that maybe there will be something else we can try first. He mentioned some pills similar to birth control pills and said we can possibly try that if I want to. Part of me wants to try that because that is way easier to take a pill than to have surgery but then I think about it more and just want to get this all over with and just have the surgery and be done with it all. Plus I am cranky when I am on the pill. Except then I think about it more and remember that the reason I had the hysterectomy in the first place was so I would get it over with and be done with it all. That was 3 years ago! I am still not done. So if I had this surgery now, would I still be talking about it 3 years from now? Because if it isn't going to make a difference and I am still going to have to worry about medical crap all the time why don't I just live with what is going on. Why don't I just forget about doing anything else, forget about testing, etc. and then just be. The medical stuff seems to never stop anyway, so if I ignored it all, how much worse could it get. (I know, I am not seriously considering giving up)

I will say that I have a cold again and feel tired and yucky so it makes me just want to throw in the towel on all the medical stuff right now. I just want it to all be over and not have to worry about it all ever again. I know that won't happen, that I will always have to go to more doctors than most people, will always have to have extra tests, etc. but it sure is frustrating to have to deal with it all. It isn't frustrating for myself as much as it is frustrating that it affects so many other people and then I feel guilt about it all. It isn't my fault, I know that, I know I am not causing it but it just feels bad to be the one bringing it.

Yesterday my 11 year old daughter brought home a bunch of notebooks from school because their last day is Thursday. I looked through them and then came to one that is a notebook she writes back and forth to her teacher in. I asked her if I could read it and she said yes. I love her teacher like crazy and am so happy she got to know her. I am sad, however, that a lot of their letters are about me. My 11 year old doesn't tell me she is worried much but a big chunk of her letters were about how she wants to be a chemist when she grows up so she can find a cure for cancer. She talks a lot about how she feels about things and her teacher is wonderful in her responses but I just wish she could be writing about boys or something (she does, but I wish that could be her biggest concern). If this were all just affecting me, then fine, I am a big girl and I can take it but come on already with my kids being worried and sad. Enough!

That is a sucky note to end this on, but I can not think of anything that would make sense to add at the end to finish with something happy. I thought I was just going to write about the deer today. I just never know what I will get when I sit down to write something. Thank you for being my therapy today!

P.S. spellcheck wanted to change "laparoscopy" to "periscope". That would certainly be a funny surgery. Although if you think about it, it sort of is similar I guess.